veritas

Yes. I think I made it through a whole year without posting, but let’s hope I can make it more of a habit. The reason I have taken the time to do this post in the new year is simple. I am going crazy. I have made it one of my resolutions to stop smoking and have cleverly destroyed my pack of smokes in this one night. It’s morning now though. I am going nuts for a smoke. About an hour and a half ago it felt strong enough to go outside and look at my empty pack in vain hopelessness, magically hoping a cigarette would appear. It didn’t and I threw a near tantrum, completely disbelieving reality and running inside and tearing up my room looking for that on last cigarette thatI would actually realize is my one last cigarette,. Even now typing it out, it gives me some small measure of satisfaction. Cigarette. Damn, no, that sucks. it makes me want one… Where’s my gum? Found it. Anyway after destroying my room, I took a walk around my neighborhood, hoping that it would take my mind off of the fact that all I wanted to do was smoke a 27. Dammit…. I can tell even typing this after my long walk and everything, I want another cigarette. To make it short, I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE IN AND GET A PACK OF SMOKES. This is the New Year. It’s ‘08. I’m gonna turn 23, and it’s time I act like it. Fuck cigarettes. FUCK THEM. updates as I battle with this. Really. I can understand if you don’t believe me, but it’s been 6 hours and 18 minutes since my last smoke… that’s good right??

Hope.

Christ.

It’s a word I didn’t think I’d ever believe in anymore. I hope what I feel is right. Fuck that noise. I know what I feel is right. I just have to convince another of that, I suppose.

The question I pose to you, though, dear readers, is whether or not I deserve a woman who thinks better of herself than I do?

that’s the question I am asking now. It’s a better question than “Do I deserve a woman?” which is great. Even better is the answer I am thinking…

Which is yes, I do. I do deserve a woman who thinks better than she thinks of herself.

But I care too much to leave the other woman behind. WHY DO I CARE SO!?!?

WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE!?!?!?!?

that might be the better question…

why?

Someone else tell me. Please. I can’t figure out the answer.

case sensitivity on usernames is a drag. My last post, I think, has informed people I don’t really want it to. I think. I can’t be entirely sure, but that’s the way it seems.

I’ve always known this site was a liability, that’s why I asked in the last one whether or not it was a liability that I had one. Whatever. I found a new way to cope.

Alcohol.

Works wonders. honestly. It makes me want to ask question and confront people I shouldn’t normally confront. It also makes me, well gives, show to say, confidence. False or not, it has worked. In way people don’t even know yet. I wish I had true confidence so I would care less about the times the “fake” confidence has lead me to places I wouldn’t normally know.

Hah. This all makes me feel like calling someone even more.

She’s so Insecure though.

great isn’t it? an insecure but “fake” confident alchoholic playing the helpless insecure newbie. For what it’s worth…

It wasn’t worth my time.

What the fuck am I turning into now?

I don’t know. I post it here though. DO I really want everyone to know my business? Is this merely a kind of coping mechanism? I don’t know. I don’t care to know. I just have to ask…

What do you do when someone else tries to sell something that is yours? something you couldn’t put a price on?

I get angry. I don’t know what the hell will happen from here. All I know is I have to find out the truth. Truth. Does that even mean anything to anyone anymore?

Honesty. That’s the name of my site. I can’t even tell if I am being honest with myself anymore.

I ask a question with brutal honesty now. A question I didn’t think I would ever ask myself seriously.

“What the fuck do I do now?”

I put this on my twitter, and this is a far better explanation. I got out of work and waited for my dad to come pick me up, since the car still has not had it’s oil changed. I managed to walk out with a bottle of pinot noir that had enough for about a glass and half when I got home. I walked down to the corner, pulled out a cigarette and got a light from a lady standing outside a hotel. I took a drag then crouched down and posted on my twitter. I finished the cigarette and lit up another since I had the time. I look down the street at a tahoe that looks like mine. Wrong plates. I crouch back down and look at the bottle. Looks good. I look back down the street and two girls step out of the Starbucks. It’s Nikki and this other girl. I think her name is Patricia. Nikki sees me and her eyes light up with warth as she smiles and waves to me. I take another drag and drop the cigarette between my feet and stand up. They walk over and we start a conversation. She asks me what I am doing there. “I just got out of work and I am waiting for my ride,” I fumble my words slightly then say, “I usually drive but the car is getting it’s oil changed.” “Oh.” she states.

I ask her what she is up to and she tells me she’s going to 6740. It’s a small bar that I had only barely heard of the other day, when I saw two other people I knew heading over there. Funny enough, 6740 is also it’s address. I told her about how I saw the other two people I knew going there the other night. She says “Yeah, they go there a lot, I’ve never been there.” I reply that I haven’t either. She looks at me quizzically, and I realize she’s wondering if either A. She should invite me, or B. If I would invite myself. if I was smart I would have done B. Besides, it’s a fucking bar. I have a right to go there whether I hang out with them or not. But I’m not, and I look down the street and see my ride. I bid them farewell and grab my bottle as I walk to the car.

I go home.

I have nothing to do here.

No one to hang out with.

I am an idiot.

So here I sit wondering how much fun I could have had.

Last time I was at a bar it was in Mexico. It was the best time I’ve had in months. Still is in fact.

... sigh…

So I don’t have to play other people’s games. This shit is seriously getting annoying now.

Yet another year of school is upon us all. All of us who still attend that is. As much as I like it here at San Diego State, I’m finding it harder to get anything done here. Im entering my fourth year, as a junior, with more than a semester’s worth of work before I become a senior, and probably another year and a half afterword to complete my major. If I get into it that is. Hopefully, this semester will turn out better than the past two. But already I can see it will be a challenge. There are way too many things to be distracted by in class. Sometimes I start dozing off from lack of sleep, sometimes I catch myself staring at a girl with a chest that is probably a bit too big for her back to support (theres usually at least one in every class), other times I’ll just start staring into space for no apparent reason at all. This is assuming, of course, I get to class in the first place. As much as I want to finish here, I don’t see that happening any time soon. I think my chances would be better at home. I’ve had my fun. Now it’s time to get back to work.

I’m chasing a girl I might never get to have. My life is shit. I want to die.

I don’t know why, but my dreams affect me. I’ve always seen most dream as entertainment. Especially the sexy ones. I think they show how you would act in certain situations. Almost always those situations are uncomfortable. I have, on a number of occasions, had dreams become eerily accurate to future situations. I have no idea why, and I don’t consider it to motivate my life’s decisions. I don’t even really believe in psychic abilites (although I want to). However, when it happens, I know it exactly. Interesting thing those Deja Vu’s.

Today though I’m having the worst time of a dream I had concerning people at work. It was odd because it didn’t once take place at work. I have never seen any of my co-workers outside of work, except my sister.

The backdrop was some kind of party. At least that’s what I think it was because people seemed happy and there was plenty of alcohol there. I know this because in the dream I had a buzz going. Even more indicative of this fact was that the person hanging off of me was drunk. We were walking outside laughing. She whispered something to me as we walked, and we both stopped as I replied to a question she asked. I then became aware of who this person was. It was Bianca.

I was stunned. I’ve never really felt at all like I was accepted by Bianca. Where Melissa was really nice and gossipy, Bianca seems that vague rumor starter. She’s the princess. It even says so on her car. In Pink. In other words I thought of her as a complete cunt. She never said hi to me if she was there, or when I walked by her. Unless we were actually working together. Which she does on rare occasions. She’s actually part of the family that own the restaurant. Hell her boyfriend works there.

When we do work together it’s great. She relies on me as much as any other waitress there, she thanks me for what I do and we generally get along. It’s actually the only time she ever seems to like me. Back to the dream now though.

After my sudden realization of who this person I am walking with is, I come to the next immediate thought. I was leaving with her. Not only that but she likes me. Whatever transpired inside the house we just came from was not completely platonic. I mention the fact that I can’t do this and I tell her so. She gets a bit agitated and looks at me as if I am stupid. “Me and Steven are only Dating.” she says. I don’t buy it but then Steven leans out a window and replies “Yeah dude, we’re only dating.” He says this as a girl pulls him back inside. I woke up about then. It was eerie enough to this point where I still can’t shake it.

Still bothering me a couple of days later. I really hope I don’t get fired for this shit.

Im so very tired. I’ve got work at 10:00 tomorrow, so I’ll keep this short and edit it later. Heres a very brief summary.

Bedouin Sounclash and The Subways were not bad. Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Snoop Dogg were great. Honorable mentions: none. Due to a cancellation, I was not able to see The Shins. Things didn’t go quite as well as I had thought they would. But one positive thing that came from all the confusion was I was able to see Snoop. I also saw the end of Tool. I was not impressed. If you will excuse me, I have to rest my feet for a bit.